Peering out the window I realize my artistic skill has hovered at the same plane for a long time – years of study in my early life built me to this point. My skills retained are ones that are used to communicate ideas and have thus remained sharp: invention or hand drawn buildings or drawing people for fun jokes.

I find myself thinking that I am on one side of the uncanny valley. The crossing will be an enormous effort that requires a lot of strength, diligence and study and practice, revisiting the basics, and actually getting worse until I get better. The prospect is discouraging which is why I think have hovered here.

I watched a tutorial on painting rocks and need a lot more practice, these drawings, while passable, don’t look anything like the rock I was looking at – I feel down. I haven’t let myself really suck at anything in a while, I am easily deflated and double deflated by the idea of getting worse at something just to get good habits.

The idea of iron blogging makes some folks dread having to make art just to make a post. I understand that, I did not enjoy today’s efforts. It will ultimately make me do something I have been putting off just b/c it felt bad though.

I gave up many choices and opportunities in avoidance of those bad feelings. Arguably my whole life would have been different if I pressed harder had had more resilience. I as a thematic life theme have tended to chart a safe course. Getting high took priority in my late teens, classes were missed and asses were halved and then quartered, I couldn’t take the criticism either: I felt guilt as a result and it felt safer just to ditch the ambitions.

These last months, jobless and aimless, diverting all that uncomfortable energy of charting into unsafe artistic territory into fixing the house – not facing any of the big life changes I need to be pursuing. “It is good to suck” I say. I theorize I will need to suck to feel any amount of long lasting joy. More rocks tomorrow.